Halloween

Halloween is a lot of work! We are tired, dirty, and ready for bed. Getting 3 kids ready to trick-or-treat is definitely not a treat. It was hard work! But, what a good night. We walked in the neighborhood parade, attended a couple of parties, and walked the streets till 9:00. Carson weighed his candy, and he raked in 3 lbs of it. Maisy robbed our generous neighbors and pulled in 4 pounds. UGH! There will be some sugar crashed kids at school tomorrow...glad I won't be there.

Little Knox was a trooper, but hated his 3 ft hat and protested each time I tried for a picture. He loved the fire truck at the parade! It was funny to watch him take in the costumes. Some really scared him. He loved all the dressed-up dogs though. I think I might have my first animal lover. He adores Aspen and chases her all over the house. Tonight he threw a huge fit to pet some other people's dogs, which was a parenting first. He crashed early after a warm bath. Cuddling that warm, sweet smelling, fleece bundle might have been the highlight of my night. I love bedtime!

Maisy was a wardrobe disaster by the end of the night. She came home with no hat, no wig, no nails, half her green face smudged off, but happy as a clam with all her candy. Carson loved his warm costume, and was super good. Great kids, great night!

Happy Halloween!

Writing to Remember

One of the reasons I am keeping this blog is to remember. When you are so caught up in living, you don't always see the beauty in it, and you forget how wonderful each day is. I know I have a bad memory, so writing about our life together will help me recall all the little things that make up my days right now.

Most entries are to share accomplishments, fun times, or cute pictures. They leave me feeling warm and fuzzy remembering the events of the entry. Tonight's post is different. I am hoping by writing things begin to make sense to me...that I can figure out where to go next. Because right now, I am lost.

I have heard numerous people say that raising girls is harder than boys. I always assumed that had something to do with hormones of teenage girls being unpredictable. However, I don't think hormones can be blamed for behaviors at 4.

Maison is really challenging me right now. She has declared emotional warfare on Jeremy and I. Sadly, she is winning. While there are several layers and weeks of inappropriateness surrounding this, the current issue is by far the most hurtful. She has questioned private parts, empathy, life, death, love and hate as of late. At present, she is convinced that she loves no one. When we tell her we love her, she says nothing in return. She says she doesn't want to lie, so she can't say it back. She goes into very specific detail about her feelings. I know that love is a very abstract concept and unexplainable, and quite possibly, impossible for a four year old to truly understand. But, most of them don't have the guts to admit they feel anything but love for their parents. I have taken every approach I can think of with her. Short of giving into her every demand, nothing works. It is to the point that I think she might not love us. While I am trying to honor her feelings, it really hurts mine. I can't wait to hear her tell me she loves me again.

A few months ago she would yell the same thing from her bed every night. "Mommy, I love you. Can you come check on me and if I am still awake, lay with me? And, good-night." She would repeat it 3-4 times. Now, a kiss and hug...nothing.

I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking.

What a Weekend!

We have had a super busy weekend. It was super, and it was busy! It started off with the school carnival on Friday night. Three hours with 3 kids in an elementary school filled with sugar filled children playing games and dragging their parents all over...organized chaos. On Saturday morning, Maisy had a soccer game, which was a highlight. She was an amazingly different kid out there...aggressive and ball hungry. She scored her first goal and followed it up with 3 more! Unfortunately we lost, but she really got the hang of it. Then we had movie night at our house and invited the neighbor girls over for How to Train a Dragon. Sunday, Carson had a play date, and Maison had another soccer game. They won! The score was 6-2. Maisy had 5 goals! She is so fun to watch! She is totally focused and fast. Most importantly, she is having fun out there. Following the game we dashed to the pumpkin patch for face painting, pony rides, and hay slides. I also managed to finish 2 out of 3 Halloween costumes, mow the yard, get groceries, and am now cleaning house. Whew! I can't wait for Jeremy to get home. I am worn out!

Preschool or High School?

Every girl needs her beauty rest and a mask, even when you sleep with your night light and bathroom light on!


My little 4 year old Diva has been so cute when she has left for school lately. She is very opinionated about her outfits, but thankfully allows me to censor the accessories for school. I don't think ankle bracelets (my hair ties) or nose rings (earring stickers) are quite appropriate at this age. UGH! I do concede and let her wear her "teenager shorts" on occasion. What to do?!?! Anyway...my little sassafras continues to amaze me with her awareness, curiosity, and creativity. I doubt I ever forget the struggles we have had over the last month, but hope her intelligence proves to be a reasonable explanation at some point. I have no other positive reason that seems believable. She is one in a million. At times, I just can't believe she is mine. She is so much stronger than I am, even at 4. Watch out world!

Birthday Boy

Knox was one yesterday...with that milestone comes a flood of emotions for me. But, I am going to try and keep this about him. I will deal with my feelings later. He woke up hungry and early, as usual, grunting in his bed. After some milk, we got dressed. Carson came smiling down the hall, and the first thing he said was, "Happy first birthday, Knox." So sweet. Then we had some donuts and sang Happy Birthday. We rushed Maisy off to preschool, and then we went to the bookstore to pick out a birthday book. He chose one about cars, trucks, planes, and boats. He is really into vehicles right now. He had some more milk, got some balloons, and then we picked up Maisy. Knox took a short nap on the way home. After lunch Mrs. Sheree came over with Jack. We opened her present, had cookies and played. Another nap and then we played outside. After Jeremy got home we ate spaghetti, a family favorite, had cake and opened our presents. Knox was really tired by this point, but enjoyed the festivities, I think. He was really cautious with the cake, which surprised me. I think he just ate too much spaghetti to really get into it. It was lovely night. He took a bath and went right to sleep.

At one Knox is curious, happy, very active, and quiet (unless he wants something). He is rough and tough. He has taken some good spills and rarely cries. He is sensitive...loud noises really scare him. So do small dogs, Carson/Maisy screaming/wrestling, and most recently his bath toys. He gets this panicked look of terror on his face when he is scared. It breaks my heart. He loves balloons, Aspen, water bottles, cars, Maisy's baby stroller, playing in water, and being outside. He still spits up, which is one thing I can't wait for him to out grow. He did it 3 times this morning. He loves the color yellow, at least I think so. He likes to tickle your skin when it peeks out of your shirt on your back or tummy. He loves to nurse, which is going to be a difficult habit to break, but we are working on it. While he is not saying very much (this, that, get it), I do think he is smart. He understands everything I ask him to do. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and a giggle that melts my heart. He is my baby, now and forever.

As for me...it was my last first birthday. While Knox is still very much a baby, even more so than Carson and Maison were at this age, I still feel like it is almost over. I love my babies! I love playing with them, feeding them, all of it. It makes my heart hurt to think it is almost over...forever. I am beginning to realize that I need to be needed. He needs me now, but not for much longer. Wanting your momma is totally different than needing her. He needs me. Carson and Maisy want me, but don't need me anymore. It makes me happy that we are raising independent, smart children, but it just goes too fast. I have a feeling Mr. Knox might be the most independent of the three, once he gets a little bigger. He is so strong willed and temperamental, I think he will be a tough kid. Sigh...I am just so happy he is healthy and seemingly well-adjusted. I just pray next year we are celebrating under the same wonderful circumstances.

Little Slugger!

This weekend we journeyed back to KC for another ball tournament. It was a great weekend for baseball. It was 80 degrees and sunny. Even better than the weather, was the baseball. The boys played great, especially #9, CJ Smith. (He likes to be called CJ now. )

This fall season in St Louis has been rough. He is playing up a level in kid pitch, which slows everything down considerably. He also hasn't gotten the opportunity to show off his skills in the field either, pitching only once and being stuck in the outfield most of the time. Needless to say, we will be finding another team for next season. I am experiencing the anguish of biased coaching, or maybe I am the one that is biased. Whatever the reason, Carson has not been given a fair shake. It is a hard thing to sit back and watch. I can't imagine what the future holds in store for Jeremy and I along this athletic adventure. We are too competitive to keep our heads or our hearts in check all the time.

On a more positive note, the tournament was a lot of fun this weekend. It was machine pitch, so the boys got great hits. Carson nearly cleared the fence on a couple. He had some awesome catches at pitcher too. I caught myself jumping up and down. It was great to see him excited to play and enjoying himself again.

Happy Anniversary!

Nine years ago today was the best day of my life. The weather now is almost exactly as I remember it that weekend...sunny and cool, with a real fall chill in the air, but beautiful. Thinking back on that day, most of my memories come from snapshots I have looked at many times, but there are a few I will hold in my heart and mind forever.

At our rehearsal, my grandpa sort-of turned the evening over to us. We had to decide where people were going to stand and little details like that. I was totally nervous and completely unprepared. I remember looking at Jeremy, pleading for help, but knowing he really didn't care. (Maybe I didn't know that then, but do now. Not because we have talked about it, but because I have learned details like that don't really matter to Jeremy.) My next vivid memory is of our few moments alone before pictures. I walked down the aisle to him and I remember thinking he looked so handsome and happy. I knew then, if I ever doubted it, that he really did want to marry me. (It is funny how you can look at someone so often, and know their face so well, but rarely do you really SEE them.) I saw him then, and loved him so much. Then during the ceremony, I remember laughing while our song, I Cross My Heart, was being sung. It was performed beautifully, but we were just giggling about the fact that we were really doing it...getting married, and all those people were there, staring at us! That song still makes me laugh. From then on the evening was a blur. We danced and had a great time. Once we finally made it back to our room, I remember being SO tired. We laid down and we took turns pulling 43 hair pins out of my hair. I bet I was pretty sight then!

Nine years later, I would do it all over again. Jeremy knows me better than anyone and loves me anyway. He takes the good with the bad. He always has. While no one can irritate and frustrate me like him, no one loves me like he does either. We have been through a lot together, and I am so thankful that I have him to grow old with. He is my absolute opposite, but my best friend. He has given me the three best gifts in the world, Carson, Maisy, and Knox, and I am a better person because of him.

I love you, J.