Before and After...the Haircut!

While the haircut is far from good, he does look better. I had gotten so used to it being long, I didn't realize how unruly and shaggy he was. I cried as the blond locks fell. He looks so much older, but a bit more like his brother and sister.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas!

I hope you enjoyed the quick clips of my little angel! Today was her Christmas program at school. It was very sweet. I am so thankful that Maisy is learning the stories of the Bible at school. She is getting a lot out of it, and making new friends. Her current best friend is Ellie. She is the other angel.

My little angel did something truly kind yesterday. We were at the post office and the lady behind us had her arms full of packages, and Maisy said, "Mom, you should let her go in front of us. Her packages are heavy." I tried to get Maisy to ask her, but she wouldn't. As I struggled to keep Knox in my arms and hold my cards, it was the last thing I wanted to do. The post office is not a fun place this time of year, but I did offer for the woman to go when it was our turn. She accepted. I gave Maisy all the credit. She beamed with pride. It made my heart swell too. I guess they do "get it" sometimes, and are there to remind us when we are distracted. Thank you, sweet girl!

It's Christmas Time In the City

This weekend we got really excited about Christmas. We went to see Santa on Friday night, which was a little adventure. We went to an incredibly nice shopping district and saw a really "good-looking" Santa. The kids looked really nice and behaved decently in line. I have decided Christmas brings out the best and worst in all of us, especially children. Anyway, Maisy and Carson had a good conversation with Santa, I guess. I couldn't focus on anything except the screaming toddler in my arms. He was definitely not a fan of the handsome man in red.

On Saturday, I sorted gifts and started wrapping. With each purchase I feel closer and closer to the end of my list, but the it continues to allude me. Only 13 days left...I need to get it together. Knox has put a huge damper on my shopping skills. He naps, hates coats and loves to run wild in the stores.

Today we woke up to 3 inches of snow and frigid temperatures. That will really put you in the Christmas spirit. The kids braved the elements and played until they were frozen. Maisy told me she had "icicles hanging from her nose holes." Knox stumbled around in too big cowboy boots crunching the ice. He really liked it, but was ready to get out of the cold. He never wants to come inside, but today he didn't fight me.

Overall it was a festive weekend, with a gingerbread house to top it off. I truly LOVE the Christmas season!

PS-I got a new camera for Christmas. Thank you, Jeremy! I love it! My favorite picture is the one of Phelps (the elf) with Knox trying to ambush him from the stairs. He LOVES the elf! He jabbers and giggles at him all the time. He is constantly trying to get him. So funny!!!

Lasts?

I bought a good book called Let Me Hold You Longer a few years ago. There is a link to it on the left. It is a tearful reminder to remember the lasts. I have learned over the years that the lasts are as significant as the firsts. But, the lasts are unexpected and usually unrecognized until they are over and done. They are usually not celebrated like the firsts either. But, come with many tears, that is for sure.

With every bottle I give Knox, I think this should be the last. But, having nursed him for so long, I love giving him a bottle. It is the only peaceful time I get with him, since he is such a busy boy. I will know when it is the last bottle, and I will savor every minute with a good cry. With Maison I wonder, "Will this be the last night she begs me to sleep with her?" Sometimes I secretly hope so, because by that time of night I am ready for a break. But, when that last night comes, I won't know. I hope I get the chance to sleep with her on that last night. She closes her eyes and smiles so sweetly as she cuddles up to me. She always has to hold my hand. Why would I ever deny her that? I feel like with Carson we are on the brink of so many lasts. Last Christmas for Santa for one, which completely breaks my heart. I love seeing the magic of Christmas sparkle in his eyes. Today he did something that made me tear up knowing it could be a last. He was leaving with Jeremy for a basketball game. I gave him his "Go get 'em" talk, and he was off. But, at the door he turned around and came back to find me. He gave me a kiss and said, "See 'ya, Mom." That might have been the last unprompted sweet good-bye for awhile. Ahh...my little prince. Let me hold you longer.

My Animal Lover...Finally

Carson and Maison have never been huge animal lovers, especially if it is out of a cage. Knox, on the other hand, adores Aspen, as you can see. He chases her around the house, eats her dog food, plays in her water bowl, and feeds her from his highchair. He is usually really sweet with her, but has grabbed her face and feet a couple of times too hard. Aspen is so good with him. She tolerates all his antics. I think she loves him because he feeds her, and he hugs on her. It is so cute to watch them. He has started imitating her too. He pants and eats like a puppy. I love my dog-boy!

Naughty WATCH!

Maisy and Carson received video emails from Santa tonight.He knows so much about them. He has really been watching them. Sadly, there is a note in each of their files. They are both on Naughty Watch! Check out these great videos and cross your fingers they straighten up!

Maisy's video

http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/tZq26zGJ7CCQNxg987v1Wg

Carson's video

http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/q7ZPpWf9O0e0mRd7s5FvBQ

She Loves Me!

Finally...going to bed one night last week, Maisy asked if not wanting someone to leave meant that you loved them. I said yes. She said, "Then I love you." I was so happy. I danced my way down the hall that night, and did a little jig in my bedroom. Jeremy was not amused, as he is still waiting to be loved again.

I am still struggling to understand this ever aware mind of my daughter, but am trying really hard to focus on all the loving, kind things she does. I have been so hyper-sensitive to the other things, that I was overlooking the sweet things she does all the time. She is the first one to help Knox with anything. She always wants him to play with her. She constantly runs to Carson's beck and call, even if he has been terrible to her. She cries every time I leave, which is not often anymore, but none-the-less, she doesn't like being left behind. She is always helpful and loves to be involved in any activity. She is a wonderful little girl, just way to focused on growing up and figuring the world out.

If only I could make her understand how hard it is to be grown-up. Enjoy it sweet Princess...laundry, bills, discipline, responsibility, working-out because you have to, eating what you should-not what you want...it can all wait.

Good Morning from our House!

There is a brief amount of time each morning that is peaceful. Granted they are all up before 7:30, which is completely unnecessary, it takes a few minutes for the kids batteries to reach full charge this time of day. No one has said or done anything mean, Knox hasn't eaten anything inedible or broken anything, and they are all sitting together like they love each other. A beautiful start to the day!

Unfortunately in the time it took me to write this, Knox has escaped and Carson and Maison are arguing. Time to go!

Halloween

Halloween is a lot of work! We are tired, dirty, and ready for bed. Getting 3 kids ready to trick-or-treat is definitely not a treat. It was hard work! But, what a good night. We walked in the neighborhood parade, attended a couple of parties, and walked the streets till 9:00. Carson weighed his candy, and he raked in 3 lbs of it. Maisy robbed our generous neighbors and pulled in 4 pounds. UGH! There will be some sugar crashed kids at school tomorrow...glad I won't be there.

Little Knox was a trooper, but hated his 3 ft hat and protested each time I tried for a picture. He loved the fire truck at the parade! It was funny to watch him take in the costumes. Some really scared him. He loved all the dressed-up dogs though. I think I might have my first animal lover. He adores Aspen and chases her all over the house. Tonight he threw a huge fit to pet some other people's dogs, which was a parenting first. He crashed early after a warm bath. Cuddling that warm, sweet smelling, fleece bundle might have been the highlight of my night. I love bedtime!

Maisy was a wardrobe disaster by the end of the night. She came home with no hat, no wig, no nails, half her green face smudged off, but happy as a clam with all her candy. Carson loved his warm costume, and was super good. Great kids, great night!

Happy Halloween!

Writing to Remember

One of the reasons I am keeping this blog is to remember. When you are so caught up in living, you don't always see the beauty in it, and you forget how wonderful each day is. I know I have a bad memory, so writing about our life together will help me recall all the little things that make up my days right now.

Most entries are to share accomplishments, fun times, or cute pictures. They leave me feeling warm and fuzzy remembering the events of the entry. Tonight's post is different. I am hoping by writing things begin to make sense to me...that I can figure out where to go next. Because right now, I am lost.

I have heard numerous people say that raising girls is harder than boys. I always assumed that had something to do with hormones of teenage girls being unpredictable. However, I don't think hormones can be blamed for behaviors at 4.

Maison is really challenging me right now. She has declared emotional warfare on Jeremy and I. Sadly, she is winning. While there are several layers and weeks of inappropriateness surrounding this, the current issue is by far the most hurtful. She has questioned private parts, empathy, life, death, love and hate as of late. At present, she is convinced that she loves no one. When we tell her we love her, she says nothing in return. She says she doesn't want to lie, so she can't say it back. She goes into very specific detail about her feelings. I know that love is a very abstract concept and unexplainable, and quite possibly, impossible for a four year old to truly understand. But, most of them don't have the guts to admit they feel anything but love for their parents. I have taken every approach I can think of with her. Short of giving into her every demand, nothing works. It is to the point that I think she might not love us. While I am trying to honor her feelings, it really hurts mine. I can't wait to hear her tell me she loves me again.

A few months ago she would yell the same thing from her bed every night. "Mommy, I love you. Can you come check on me and if I am still awake, lay with me? And, good-night." She would repeat it 3-4 times. Now, a kiss and hug...nothing.

I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking.

What a Weekend!

We have had a super busy weekend. It was super, and it was busy! It started off with the school carnival on Friday night. Three hours with 3 kids in an elementary school filled with sugar filled children playing games and dragging their parents all over...organized chaos. On Saturday morning, Maisy had a soccer game, which was a highlight. She was an amazingly different kid out there...aggressive and ball hungry. She scored her first goal and followed it up with 3 more! Unfortunately we lost, but she really got the hang of it. Then we had movie night at our house and invited the neighbor girls over for How to Train a Dragon. Sunday, Carson had a play date, and Maison had another soccer game. They won! The score was 6-2. Maisy had 5 goals! She is so fun to watch! She is totally focused and fast. Most importantly, she is having fun out there. Following the game we dashed to the pumpkin patch for face painting, pony rides, and hay slides. I also managed to finish 2 out of 3 Halloween costumes, mow the yard, get groceries, and am now cleaning house. Whew! I can't wait for Jeremy to get home. I am worn out!

Preschool or High School?

Every girl needs her beauty rest and a mask, even when you sleep with your night light and bathroom light on!


My little 4 year old Diva has been so cute when she has left for school lately. She is very opinionated about her outfits, but thankfully allows me to censor the accessories for school. I don't think ankle bracelets (my hair ties) or nose rings (earring stickers) are quite appropriate at this age. UGH! I do concede and let her wear her "teenager shorts" on occasion. What to do?!?! Anyway...my little sassafras continues to amaze me with her awareness, curiosity, and creativity. I doubt I ever forget the struggles we have had over the last month, but hope her intelligence proves to be a reasonable explanation at some point. I have no other positive reason that seems believable. She is one in a million. At times, I just can't believe she is mine. She is so much stronger than I am, even at 4. Watch out world!

Birthday Boy

Knox was one yesterday...with that milestone comes a flood of emotions for me. But, I am going to try and keep this about him. I will deal with my feelings later. He woke up hungry and early, as usual, grunting in his bed. After some milk, we got dressed. Carson came smiling down the hall, and the first thing he said was, "Happy first birthday, Knox." So sweet. Then we had some donuts and sang Happy Birthday. We rushed Maisy off to preschool, and then we went to the bookstore to pick out a birthday book. He chose one about cars, trucks, planes, and boats. He is really into vehicles right now. He had some more milk, got some balloons, and then we picked up Maisy. Knox took a short nap on the way home. After lunch Mrs. Sheree came over with Jack. We opened her present, had cookies and played. Another nap and then we played outside. After Jeremy got home we ate spaghetti, a family favorite, had cake and opened our presents. Knox was really tired by this point, but enjoyed the festivities, I think. He was really cautious with the cake, which surprised me. I think he just ate too much spaghetti to really get into it. It was lovely night. He took a bath and went right to sleep.

At one Knox is curious, happy, very active, and quiet (unless he wants something). He is rough and tough. He has taken some good spills and rarely cries. He is sensitive...loud noises really scare him. So do small dogs, Carson/Maisy screaming/wrestling, and most recently his bath toys. He gets this panicked look of terror on his face when he is scared. It breaks my heart. He loves balloons, Aspen, water bottles, cars, Maisy's baby stroller, playing in water, and being outside. He still spits up, which is one thing I can't wait for him to out grow. He did it 3 times this morning. He loves the color yellow, at least I think so. He likes to tickle your skin when it peeks out of your shirt on your back or tummy. He loves to nurse, which is going to be a difficult habit to break, but we are working on it. While he is not saying very much (this, that, get it), I do think he is smart. He understands everything I ask him to do. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and a giggle that melts my heart. He is my baby, now and forever.

As for me...it was my last first birthday. While Knox is still very much a baby, even more so than Carson and Maison were at this age, I still feel like it is almost over. I love my babies! I love playing with them, feeding them, all of it. It makes my heart hurt to think it is almost over...forever. I am beginning to realize that I need to be needed. He needs me now, but not for much longer. Wanting your momma is totally different than needing her. He needs me. Carson and Maisy want me, but don't need me anymore. It makes me happy that we are raising independent, smart children, but it just goes too fast. I have a feeling Mr. Knox might be the most independent of the three, once he gets a little bigger. He is so strong willed and temperamental, I think he will be a tough kid. Sigh...I am just so happy he is healthy and seemingly well-adjusted. I just pray next year we are celebrating under the same wonderful circumstances.

Little Slugger!

This weekend we journeyed back to KC for another ball tournament. It was a great weekend for baseball. It was 80 degrees and sunny. Even better than the weather, was the baseball. The boys played great, especially #9, CJ Smith. (He likes to be called CJ now. )

This fall season in St Louis has been rough. He is playing up a level in kid pitch, which slows everything down considerably. He also hasn't gotten the opportunity to show off his skills in the field either, pitching only once and being stuck in the outfield most of the time. Needless to say, we will be finding another team for next season. I am experiencing the anguish of biased coaching, or maybe I am the one that is biased. Whatever the reason, Carson has not been given a fair shake. It is a hard thing to sit back and watch. I can't imagine what the future holds in store for Jeremy and I along this athletic adventure. We are too competitive to keep our heads or our hearts in check all the time.

On a more positive note, the tournament was a lot of fun this weekend. It was machine pitch, so the boys got great hits. Carson nearly cleared the fence on a couple. He had some awesome catches at pitcher too. I caught myself jumping up and down. It was great to see him excited to play and enjoying himself again.

Happy Anniversary!

Nine years ago today was the best day of my life. The weather now is almost exactly as I remember it that weekend...sunny and cool, with a real fall chill in the air, but beautiful. Thinking back on that day, most of my memories come from snapshots I have looked at many times, but there are a few I will hold in my heart and mind forever.

At our rehearsal, my grandpa sort-of turned the evening over to us. We had to decide where people were going to stand and little details like that. I was totally nervous and completely unprepared. I remember looking at Jeremy, pleading for help, but knowing he really didn't care. (Maybe I didn't know that then, but do now. Not because we have talked about it, but because I have learned details like that don't really matter to Jeremy.) My next vivid memory is of our few moments alone before pictures. I walked down the aisle to him and I remember thinking he looked so handsome and happy. I knew then, if I ever doubted it, that he really did want to marry me. (It is funny how you can look at someone so often, and know their face so well, but rarely do you really SEE them.) I saw him then, and loved him so much. Then during the ceremony, I remember laughing while our song, I Cross My Heart, was being sung. It was performed beautifully, but we were just giggling about the fact that we were really doing it...getting married, and all those people were there, staring at us! That song still makes me laugh. From then on the evening was a blur. We danced and had a great time. Once we finally made it back to our room, I remember being SO tired. We laid down and we took turns pulling 43 hair pins out of my hair. I bet I was pretty sight then!

Nine years later, I would do it all over again. Jeremy knows me better than anyone and loves me anyway. He takes the good with the bad. He always has. While no one can irritate and frustrate me like him, no one loves me like he does either. We have been through a lot together, and I am so thankful that I have him to grow old with. He is my absolute opposite, but my best friend. He has given me the three best gifts in the world, Carson, Maisy, and Knox, and I am a better person because of him.

I love you, J.

Movin' and Groovin'

Another Precious Moment

Occasionally they can play so well together. Last weekend they built this fort in Maisy's room. Inside their empty boxes are their sleeping "animals" (a teddy bear and tiger). They decided to sleep in it. It was a stormy night, so we agreed. When I went in to check on them, this is what I found...two sleeping angels, one comforting the other with some double jointed hand holding.

Messy Baby

Well...as time passes, I have come to accept the fact that being a stay-at-home mom doesn't mean your house is perfect, at least not here. I have also come to realize there are degrees of cleanliness. In my mind the range is perfect, clean, tidy, thrown together, livable, and disgusting. My house is clean, but rarely tidy, often thrown together and livable. Disgusting after most weekends.

Above are some photos of Knox and his contributions to the levels of cleanliness here. He is a disaster on two feet now. He needs a bath after every meal, as do my floor and walls around his high chair. His feet are always dirty and his shirts rarely without a stain. Spit-up is still a daily disaster for him, me, the floor, or the other kids. Now he is starting to play in it if I don't get to it fast enough. Thank goodness he is the last one, because there are no savable hand-me-downs. I won't even comment on his constantly stinky diapers...like nothing I have ever seen! Regardless of his degree of dirt and stink, I love that baby! He is so much fun!

Officially: Toddler!

While I tried and tried to get a good clip from the front, this was the best one. It is hard to pull off this type of video on your own. He is officially walking! He reminds me so much of how Carson walked. Kind of Frankenstein-ish, but he is so proud of himself. Maisy is still the earliest mover, walking very well at an early 10 months. Carson was soon after. Knox was one day short. He walked at 11 months and 1 day! I know he could have done it much sooner, but appears more cautious than his sister. I won't complain about that!

Look What We've Been Up To...

It continues to be busy here, even though I am not working. I don't know how we survived before. I feel like a crazy woman! I have done some incredibly stupid things for a woman of leisure too. These ridiculous actions have led my husband to believe I am much more capable when frazzled and stressed (working). I am beginning to wonder if he is right, although I will never admit that to him. First, we showed up an hour late for Meet your Teacher, which doesn't sound like a big deal, except it is only an hour. Then, we showed up for Carson's first ball game 10 minutes early, but in the wrong town 20 minutes away. To top it all off, I lost my car keys at Wal-Mart with Maisy and Knox an hour before our first bbq at our house. Today, I drove home from lunch with Jeremy's take home on top of the van. Needless to say, it did not make it. Ahhh!

The kids are somehow all in one piece, healthy and happy, most of the time. Carson is playing kid pitch baseball, and doing awesome. He pitched his first game and struck out his first batter. He did great. I am so proud of him! Maisy has started preschool. Even though she cries each day when I leave her, I know she loves it. She really needed the social interaction. Knox is getting smarter and bigger by the day. He is almost one! I cannot believe it!

Teeth and Trucks

My boys are getting big!

A Moment to Remember

As I was putting Knox to bed tonight, he was nestled up under my chin, which is his newest sleep position. He flopped from one shoulder to the other smelling of sweet baby...not baby lotion clean baby, but a mixture of sweat, spit-up, milk, food, wipes, and all things baby. His hair was matted to his head with sweat from nursing and I could feel heat radiating from his little body. He was looking up at me from my chest. He smiled so sweet as I kissed his cheeks. I did it many times and he just giggled. Then he reached up and patted my cheek. Then he leaned up and kissed me. It was one of his precious open mouthed licks. It was like he really meant it though. Then he just put his head back down and smiled.

Moments like that should be kept in a box to be relived whenever you need them. I wish I could recall his weight in my arms, warm, sweet skin, and precious smile forever. I know in time this will seem only a foggy memory. It makes me sad, but thankful at the same time. I appreciate all the light he shines on our lives.

First Day of First Grade

He had to be the cutest kid in class. He was very opinionated about his outfit this year. He was going for the tough look, which is totally not Carson. But, I gave in and bought the skull shirt. He is enjoying first grade so far. I am really proud of his good behavior and hard work at school. I hope it continues. We'll see...I love you, Bubby!

Redneck Yacht Club

Wow! It was quite a reunion at Table Rock this weekend! All the Smiths met at the lake for some fun on the water. We swam, boated, fished and skied all over the lake. It was a lot of fun. We might have frightened the fish and other lake go-ers with our enthusiastic lake attire, but it was amazing how quickly we all morphed into the environment. Uncle Rodney and Aunt Tammy definitely got the best dressed award this year.

The kids loved riding on the boat and swimming in the water. Carson LOVED fishing! He got a few nibbles, but no fish. He is determined to go more often now that Jeremy has his fishing license. Maisy loved swimming. It didn't matter if it was the lake or the pool, she was in the water. She learned to ski this weekend too. We were all very proud of her. While no toenails were lost in this skiing adventure, I did have quite a "redneck Bay Watch" jump off the side of the boat in my camouflage hat and hunting vest to save her from an oncoming speed boat, that scared us all to death. Maisy always brings her own drama to any event. Knox was a handful on the trip. I would say he was miserable. He was constantly held or in some type of contraption due to the water, heat, and state of the accommodations. He did seek his revenge through sleepless nights, face clawing, and constant grunting. He made us feel his pain, to put it mildly. I think the best part was watching the kids enjoying a whole new way of life. They loved the water and all that went with it. Most importantly, they loved spending time with their cousins. They had a great time!

While we returned home exhausted, we laughed about all the fun we had. Hopefully this can become a tradition. Maybe next year Knox will enjoy it.

Getting Big!

Knox is 9 months old now, and SO busy! He is into everything. I never thought a baby could be busier than Maisy, but I think he is. Last night he almost swallowed a Lego. Gagging, I swiped it from his mouth. So scary! Big kid rooms are now off limits, since he is capable of finding even the smallest "choke-able" item in the carpet. He loves to eat our food and is beginning to spit and swat baby food, so I don't know how much longer I can pull that off. He is working on some more teeth. Four of them, I think. Poor baby! It has been some rough nights lately. Poor Momma! Overall, he is a very happy little guy. He is in major Momma mode right now, and really doesn't want anyone else. He loves Maison and Carson though. They can always make him laugh, and they love to help with him. However, the carrying is getting a bit scary. Aside from the constant pinching and scratching with his strong little hands, he is a delight...really easy-going and silly. I think he is going to be a real ham. I love being home with him. And, even though I never want to be pregnant again, I am sad he is my last baby. I just love their innocence and dependency so much. It is good to feel needed.

Seven Years

He is officially seven. I can't believe it! I spent part of the day yesterday reminiscing with Carson, as I do every birthday. He always cries when we read the love letters I wrote him as a baby. He is a really good kid, most of the time. He is smart and thoughtful, very creative, and intuitive. However, none of these amazing qualities apply when dealing with Maison, which is a very sore subject right now. But, in an effort to focus on the positive, he is helpful and a very good brother to Knox. I am proud to call him mine.

Carson has grown up a lot in the last year. It could be the move, school, the new sibling, or just maturity, but he seems older. He is getting a sense of humor and pushing the boundaries a bit with his mouth, which is to be expected. He still loves to be held and read to at night. He is getting too big to hold comfortably and he can read very well, but it is hard for him to let go of some of these habits. He is very nurturing right now too. He won some fish at Bushwacker Days and it was the best day ever. He is constantly making little homes for things and taking care of them. One of my best memories of Carson this year was on Mother's Day. He really wanted to do something special for me. I had mentioned randomly that nothing would be better than an ice cold Coke in bed. Very early that morning, I heard footsteps in my room and faked asleep, hoping for a few more minutes of sleep. When I opened my eyes, there was a can of Coke on my nightstand. So sweet...I am really enjoying his company these days. He is delightful to talk to, so clever and curious. I just wish there was more time for just us. Things are really busy for all of us and rarely does anyone get their own time. I just pray the time they get is enough.

Happy birthday, My Sweet Boy! July 9th will always be one of my favorite days of the year. I love you now more than ever. I am so proud of you!

Maisy on Stage!

If you look closely, you can see her smiling and dancing. If you listen carefully, you can hear her singing. She is the second one from the right in the front row. It was a very special night. We were all so proud of her! Enjoy...according to Maison she will not be dancing ever again. The dresses are too itchy and the shows take too long-"waiting on the stinkin' big girls!"

Some Fun Photos

Dance practice...sweet girls.

At the pool...

Kindergarten Celebration!